Gaslighting in the Family: Invisible Gender-Based Violence

In the context of war, constant stress, emotional exhaustion, and instability, the problem of domestic violence has become even more acute. Violence often leaves no visible marks; however, daily humiliation, devaluation, control, and manipulation can destroy a person’s psychological state, self-confidence, and sense of safety for years.

One of such hidden forms of violence is gaslighting — a psychological manipulation in which a person is made to doubt their own memories, emotions, and even the adequacy of their perception of reality. As a result, the survivor gradually loses self-confidence, becomes dependent on the abuser, and often does not realize that they are in a situation of violence.

How to recognize gaslighting, why it is a form of gender-based violence, and how to protect yourself is explained in detail by specialists of the Mykolaiv Charitable Foundation “Liubystok” — an organization that is a member of the Counter–Trafficking NGO Coalition and operates in the field of providing legal assistance, support for survivors, and raising awareness of the risks of exploitation, human trafficking, and violence in wartime.

Gaslighting is particularly dangerous because it may continue for years, and survivors may not even realize that they are under its influence. Such manipulation manifests itself in numerous forms: denial of another person’s feelings and experiences, distortion of facts, or even complete disregard for their reality. It is important to note that gaslighting is often disguised as care, love, or a desire to “help” — but in reality, it is manipulation that causes a person to feel helpless and dependent.

In the context of gender-based violence, gaslighting may take on even more toxic forms, when one partner, usually a man, seeks to control or humiliate a woman by causing her to doubt her ability to make the right decisions. In such situations, psychological violence is often combined with other forms of violence, which further complicates the process of identifying and combating it.

The manipulator may constantly say that you are “overreacting” or “misunderstood the situation”, even when you clearly feel that something is wrong. For example, he may say: “You are winding yourself up again” or “You made it all up yourself”;

Distortion of facts. A gaslighter may change his behaviour or the events so that you begin to doubt what happened. For example, he may deny saying or doing something, even if you clearly remember the situation.

Constant treatment of you as “too sensitive” or “inadequate”. You may feel that your feelings and emotions are being devalued. “You always overreact” is a typical phrase used by a manipulator that causes you to doubt your own adequacy.

Mixing love and control. A gaslighter may say that he is doing it “out of love”, when in fact he is trying to control your actions or emotions. “I only want you to be happy, but you do not understand that yourself” — this is manipulation that is often disguised as care.

Trust your feelings. The first step in combating gaslighting is to realize that your feelings are important and valid. If you feel that something is wrong, that matters. Do not doubt your own reality.